One Last Time
by Pupskt
Summary: What if Edward came back to check on Bella during New Moon? What kind of condition would he find her in? Edward's inward struggle as he decides whether to stay or to leave again. In the end, he must do what is best for Bella.


**A/N: My first oneshot! Yay. This takes place sometime during Edward's absence in New Moon, basically whenever you want. You decide. I really hope it's not too bad, and please review and tell me what you thought!**

In my all my hundred or so years of existing, I had never made a more dreadful mistake when I decided to leave Bella. My soul, my reason for being. And I had hurt her in the most horrible way. I had lied to her—I told her I didn't want her anymore. The most outrageous, untruthful lie I had ever told in my entire immortal life-and my immortal life involved a lot of lying. Even worse so, she had believed me! Bella thought that I'd lost interest in her. The most unthinkable notion. I needed her to survive. I always knew that I was the most selfish creature alive, and I had attempted to push aside my selfishness to protect Bella. But now, there was nothing more I wanted more than to hold her warm, fragile, human body in my cold, granite arms again. I should have given in to my selfishness. I should have never left her. I should have never lied to her.

This was why I was running as fast as my supernatural body would allow, straight through the forest to Charlie Swan's house.

_Selfish, selfish, selfish!_ My mind screamed. _She deserves a safe life! She deserves happiness!_

Several long months had gone by, and somehow, miraculously, I had stayed away from Bella. I had hid in the darkest hiding spots in the world, wallowing in my misery every single minute.

I know I had hurt Bella. The look in her eyes the day I left her in the forest had been clear. Pain. My inability to read her mind hadn't mattered. I knew that she was in pain. I could only hope with every fiber of my being that she would move on, someday. She would move on with someone _normal _and _human_, someone she wouldn't have to risk her life with every second she was with him. That's all I ever wanted for her. If she could be safe, I would accept that.

That was still my plan, even now, as I ran in the all-too familiar direction towards Bella's home. I wasn't going to ask for her to take me back. That would just be a bad of a mistake as leaving her. Of course, I would do anything for her to take me back. _Anything._ I would die a thousand deaths more painful than my transformation from mortal to immortal if she would just say that she loved me, one last time. That was all I needed. But she would never. I'd hurt her too much.

But I needed to make sure she was healed. Or at least, healing. I couldn't bear the thought of her still in as much pain as she had been that day, months ago, although it seemed more like centuries ago. I needed to be positive she had gotten over me. My plan was simple. I would climb to the all-too familiar window that led to her warm, cozy bedroom, but I would not open it and go in. It would be tempting—more tempting then her blood had been the first day I'd encountered her presence—but I would resist, just as I had somehow had back then. It wouldn't be easy, and I wasn't exactly sure if it would ease my own pain, seeing her heartbreakingly beautiful face again.

She wouldn't see me. She would be sound asleep, as it was very late at night. But I would see her, and I would confirm the fact that she had moved on, simply by listening to her talking in her sleep. I had learned that listening to her sleep-talking had been the easiest way to see into her mysterious, silent mind. One she unconsciously assured me she was well. That was all I would do. I would not impose in her life. I would just check on her...as simple as that.

I would not break my promise. I had sworn to Bella that she wouldn't see me again. And she wouldn't. But I hadn't promised her that _I _would never see _her_ again.

I was almost shocked as I reached the Swan's house. It looked exactly the same as it had before I left. I felt like I was home. But of course, my stay was only temporary. I would not stay for more than a few mere minutes. Then I would return to some rat-infested, dark place where a monster like me belonged.

I darted across the yard and up the side of the house in the same second. The dark window to Bella's room had been cracked open, and I could smell Bella's scent coming through it. It sent a familiar blaze through my throat, which I had always willingly ignored. Nothing was more important than the reason for the blaze, Bella herself. I inhaled gratefully, letting the flames engulf my throat.

Silently yet hastily, I looked in the window, seeing perfectly in the room despite the immense darkness. It looked the same; unorganized, books stacked in every corner of the room, clothing scattered on the floor rather than the empty laundry basket by the closet. It had always been, and always would be my own personal Heaven.

After several moments of contemplating, I forced my eyes to the corner of the room, where Bella laid in her small, shabby bed.

I thought, for a moment, that my dead heart would start beating again at the sight.

Bella laid with her arms wrapped around herself and her legs intertwined with the sheets, seemingly having kicked the covers to the floor. Her lips were parted slightly, her soft breath coming out with each rise and fall of her chest. Her warm, chocolate eyes were hidden by her closed lids, and her chestnut hair lay across the pillow and over her cheek. She was completely genuine. I had always known she was beautiful, but how could my memory have failed me of every perfect detail?

The human in me ached to cry, but no tears shed from my eyes. The vampire in me urged to break something out of fury for what I had left behind me, but I resisted. I sat there, perched at her windowsill, listening to her breathing and the beautiful sound of her heartbeat.

My family had warned me that I would regret my decision to leave. At the time, I had been so set on keeping Bella safe that I hadn't cared about anything else. Carlisle and Esme had been devastated to leave the girl that had been like a daughter to them. Alice and Emmett still don't speak to me to this day, and Jasper couldn't stand to be around my emotions. Rosalie…well, had been overjoyed, naturally.

And now I knew my family, excluding Rose, had been right. The word regret was an understatement when it came to how I felt about my choice. I knew that, especially now, as I watched the only woman who had ever touched my heart sleep.

But I had to stop putting her in danger. I had to keep her safe. I could not risk killing her, and I would not turn her into one of the eternal damned just so I could keep her forever. I would not be selfish.

I watched my beautiful angel that laid not even ten feet away from me in her bed; the bed that nearly begged me to crawl in next to her and take her in my arms and never let go. Begging, pleading. But I would resist.

Seconds turned into hours, or so it seemed. Bella didn't toss and turn as she did when she restlessly slept. That was a very good thing. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, seeing that she was resting peacefully.

So my leaving hadn't been a worthless attempt to save her! Bella was_ safe_. She was happy.

Now, it was time to leave. My question had been answered, and my work here was done. I would have to leave and _never_ come back. I could never see Bella again after this night. This would ultimately be the last time I saw her, ever.

My already damaged heart broke again.

I took deep breaths, prepared to leave this place for good. I thought about taking one last look at my love, then flying down the roof and across the yard, and heading back to wallowing in my meaningless existence.

I thought about it, but I didn't move an inch.

My hands were glued to the window sill, and my feet were stuck to the slanted roof. My head was disconnected with my body. My eyes were locked at the scene in front of me, seeming to be stuck there.

This was not going to be easy. Not at all.

I couldn't leave. Not yet. I had to stay, to make sure...

No. Damn it, _no_! I couldn't. I had to go. I had to leave, and not interfere with Isabella Swan's life ever again. She's happynow.

I chanted this in my mind as I began to pry my hands from the window sill and loosen my legs from their current position, plastered to the roof. She's happy now, she's happy now...

I then knew it was time for the most dreaded part of my checking on Bella. I had to take my eyes off of Bella. I had to turn around and face a different world. For I could never see my world again.

This would be impossible.

She's happy now, she's happy now, she's happy now...

I took off less than a second after I pealed my eyes off of my one and only love.

I sprinted into the forest, my vision blurred by the sudden overwhelming sadness that came over me. The emotion clouded my brain, and for the first time since I had turned immortal, I felt nauseous.

Bella had once voiced her fear of running into a tree while riding on my back. Of course, that was impossible. Running had always been my second nature...

But it was different now. Loving Bella was my second nature now. Running was simply an addition to the monstrous life I led.

Now, as I ran through the vast darkness of the forest unseeing, unthinking, something hit me before I could sense it in front of me.

_A tree._

The sudden impact knocked me down and sent the small tree timbering in the opposite direction. It landed the ground with a loud crash.

I didn't make an effort to move from the forest floor. I lay there, letting the pain overwhelm me. I let it take over my body, inch by inch, just like the fire had during my transformation...

_"…No...no, please...Edward...no..."_

My frozen body flinched at the painfully familiar voice. The voice that was high-pitched and scratchy, almost as if it was suddenly frightened. It was the voice of my Bella.

_"…Please...please...no...Edward..."_

I didn't think as I ran back in the direction of her house. I flew up the side of the house and back to the window sill in half an instant.

Bella was tossing about in her sleep, seeming to struggle away from something, or...towards something. She had kicked the sheets of the bed, and was breaking up a sweat. I recognized this—in the aftermath of James's attack, Bella had nights similar to this. She was having a nightmare.

But about _me_?

"Please...Edward...come back. Come back," she pleaded in her sleep.

Had she had some sort of unconscious knowledge that I had come to check on her? How could she have known? She had been deeply asleep while I was there. Had she seen me leave at the last second? I doubted it. She had been asleep. And she was asleep now…

Bella's face was contorted in fear and pain. Her arms were reaching for something at the side of the mattress, feeling over the flat surface and not finding anything.

I watched in horror at the scene.

Bella ran her arm over the pillow, a sob escaped from her lips, yet she still remained asleep. Tears escaped from behind her closed eyelids. She tossed and turned, for one moment almost spilling out of her bed.

"Edward..." she cried in her sleep. "Edward..."

She was sobbing by this point.

And so would I, if such a thing were possible.

"Edward...please...please come back..." Her unconscious voice held so much pain and agony that it had crossed the line of unbearable.

This _was_ unbearable.

So unbearable that some unknown force of nature forced my hand upon the window, and slid it open-against my original plan. I ducked into the warm, cozy room, and took quick steps over towards Bella's bed.

This was wrong. Dead wrong. My mind screamed at me to leave, to step away from Bella and let her deal with her problems on her own. _I _would only cause her more anguish. But my heart, silent and unbeating, was demanding that I stayed. Demanding that I stayed, and _never_ left again.

This was not something I could just leave as an impasse. I had to choose the one that made the most sense. Of course, I did not want to listen to the one that made sense

So I obeyed my heart.

Without thinking, I sat next to Bella on her warm bed that smelled of her painfully beautiful scent. Her body was still shaking in fear of the nightmare she was having about me.

I wondered that if in her unconscious state, she knew I was here. Well, she was about to find out for sure.

I hesitantly lifted her warm, delicate body into my steal arms. I situated her on my lap, and I slid my arms under her knees and around her shoulders, cradling her to my chest. I was surprised she hadn't woken yet.

Of course, the second she did wake up, she would realize that she was in the arms of the star of her nightmares, and she would tell me to get out. I would comply, not wasting yet another second of her precious life that I had already damaged so immensely. I just had to relieve her of this dream that could be nothing but pleasant. I would lighten her fears, for once, by waking her up.

I rocked her slowly back and forth as if she were an infant as tears spilled from her closed eyes.

Should I speak to her? I wasn't positive if that would be best. But it wasn't like it would matter, in the end. Bella despised me with ever cell in her body, I knew. I would get rejected anyway. So how could it hurt even more?

"Bella..." I whispered, speaking her name aloud for the first time in months. "Shh...Bella, Bella..." Her name felt beautiful to say. "Bella…Bella..."

I continued to rock her, and she continued to cry in her sleep. She had always been a heavy sleeper.

I slid my arm that had been wrapped around her shoulders around the back of her head, as gently as my stone-like arms would allow me. I stoked her dark hair, which was tangled and drenched with sweat, but still as soft as ever.

"Bella...wake up, Bella..." I murmured, anxious and terrified.

She turned her head abruptly, her eyes still closed, so it was facing my chest. After inhaling a deep, shaky breath, she turned her head back, and her eyes started to flutter open.

It took me a moment to adjust my own vision so I could take in her eyes. They were blurred with tears at first, but they gradually started to clear up as she blinked many times, seemingly dazed. Her eyes had not made contact with mine yet, nor showed any signs of knowing where exactly she was.

However, my frozen heart slowly started to melt the second her eyes were clear enough. Had they always been this brown? Or had they grown browner since the last time I saw her? I had a brief flashback of the last time I saw her chocolate orbs. They had been devastated with unbearable sorrow and depression. And the pair of eyes I gazed into at this moment were excruciatingly the same.

Then, without any warning from her mind that was completely mute to me, her eyes connected with mine.

That's when she started to sob.

"_No..._" she cried, burying her face in my chest.

I worryingly quickened the pace of my fingers running through her hair. "Bella... Shh...It's alright," I murmured, just as I would have if she had woken up from a nightmare when we were still together.

Her body shook with sobs, and I could feel my shirt starting to soak with her warm tears. I let her cry for a few minutes, stroking her hair and murmuring to her soothingly.

Bella finally emerged from my chest after five minutes. She hesitantly and carefully started to turn her head to face me, and I knew at that moment I would have given anything to hear her thoughts. _Anything_.

"Bella, you're alright." I assured her in a quiet voice. "It was just a dream."

She didn't respond.

I had to speak. I had no choice in the matter.

"Bella," I whispered into the night. "I know you're confused." I paused. "...I'm breaking my promise. I'm sorry." Would she ever know how sorry I was? "Bella…you have to know-"

"Edward," Bella interrupted, her voice hoarse with tears.

Hearing my name through her lips was like music, a melody I hadn't heard in a long time.

I stared at her, anxious as to how she would continue.

"…You…look the same…" She mused, wiping her tears out of her eyes and squinting, her human eyes barely seeing me in the darkness.

This, I had to smile at. Had she forgotten I was an un-aging, unchanging vampire? "Well you don't," I told her, running my cold fingers through her hair once more. "You're more beautiful than ever, if even possible."

Bella's eyes filled with tears again. "Don't. Don't say that."

I knit my eyebrows at Bella's logic. "I'm not lying, if that's what you're thinking." If only I could know what she _was_ thinking…

Bella shook her head, frustrated, more tears spilling down her pale face. "No…I mean…I can't start…_believing_ again, Edward…When I wake up…and you're not here…it…it'll be like losing you all over again." And she burst into tears again, this time not burying her face in my chest, but covering her face with her hands.

Of course she wasn't healed. I should've known! From the look on her face, before she had hid it away with her hands, she was worse off emotionally than she was physically in my presence. Was that even possible? At this point, it seemed so.

"Bella…" I began, hating myself. "I really _am_ here…you're not dreaming. I promise, Bella."

She shook her head, refusing to come out from behind her hands.

I sighed. I wanted her to know, so bad. But was that what was right? Did she _want _me to be real? After all, why would she? I had hurt her in the worst possible way. In a way that should make her want to forget me forever.

"I'm sorry, Bella. So sorry, for so many things. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry." How many times could I say sorry until she believed me? Until _I _believed me?

Bella lowered her hands, revealing her tear-stained face. "N-no, it's not that…I just…I'm not…good for you. Y-you said so yourself. I-I can accept that. I just…" She paused, taking a few deep breaths. "I just need time." She paused. "Besides…I can still see you in my dreams, like now. So…so I'll be fine."

Now was time for me to ask the question I'd wanted to ask since I woke her up. "Bella…are you really…fine?"

Bella thought for a moment. "…No. Not yet. But I will be."

And that had been all I needed. I slid Bella's weightless body off of my lap and back under the covers. Gently pushing her back onto her pillows, I tucked her in and stared at her face, her beautiful face, trying to memorize every flawless detail. The mental snapshot would have to last me forever.

"Bella…you can move on. You're going to be happy…and safe. _Safe_. Just as I wanted. Promise me, again, Bella. You'll be safe. Please."

Bella, her eyes slowly shutting in exhaust, nodded.

I reached through the covers and took her warm hand in mine, for what I knew would be the last time. Leaning down, I kissed her forehead, inhaling her gloriously painful scent, savouring the burn.

Bella might have fallen asleep by the time I reached the window, because I heard her breathing become very even. I didn't turn back to look at her one last time. If I looked back, I wouldn't be able to look away—to leave. Silently shutting the window behind me, I landed on the soft, dewy grass below the roof, and disappeared into the woods.

There would be no more mistakes. I was leaving Bella—even though I still wanted her and in a way, she wanted me. But she was willing to, _going to_ move on. She had told me herself. And I would hold her those words until the day she left the earth. She would be fine. These words engraved in my mind, I took off in some random direction, letting the wind carry me away from where I wanted to be.

Dusty attics, rat infested basements and dark corners waited for me anxiously, ready to envelope me in arms of regret and memories. But Bella had so much more. She had her whole life ahead of her—college, marriage, children, aging, dying. Every experience a human deserved; the opposite of what I could provide for her. The future was set in stone, and the wind blew the past and present away.

**A/N: Reviews are really cool! :)**


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